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inner revolution.
archives.      I       6.2001 to 9.2001

dovetailing defeat into a springboard for reinvention of the self

The river was exceptionally high today, and the current was faster than normal. A full day of rain can make a lot of changes along the riverbanks. Just like a disturbed mind can be cleansed and rejuvenated by a downpour of tears.

Trees, like saints, extend their limbs, reaching outward towards the Lord. Ready to catch any ray or drop of mercy that He sends from the heavens. River rocks, like self realized souls, remain unaffected by the ever-changing current...

Leaves, like jivas, aimlessly carried along by the current, not knowing where they will end up. Mirrors the life I have subjected myself to - the pursuit of temporary wealth and happiness.
In this game, where everyone participating seems to be at a constant loss.
In this game, life is moving too quick to think about where its being directed...
racing along, as the scenes change with every bend of the river, towards an endless ocean of death - the ultimate disappointment for hopes of complete fulfillment. Little leaves, chasing dreams and schemes... doing everything possible to forget about our fall from the limbs of trees that extend themselves to God. i'm sick of my soul getting chopped up, distributed to the gossip butchers... making meal for the rabid dogs who waste it like fools... i must admit defeat and renounce this silly game. Reinvention of the self to search for something real and true... to come in reunion with the Divine.

I am a fool because i think that...

That He has to appear before me, in all his might and majesty, gloriously overwhelming all those who witness Him, as a king rides along in white horse and golden chariot... followed by His associates and servants. "I tend to wonder why God would appear in our little lives when there are so many big problems needing to be solved in this world"

I am too blind to recognize that...

God is present in the tiniest moments in the universe - in all of them.

I pray to understand the instruction from someone who does recognize Gods presence...

"In answer to my musings about how God (Krsna) used to reveal Himself to great devotees in the past but how i don't feel Him in my life in the present, Srila Prabhupada writes that nowadays, both demigods and the Supreme Lord are not seen by our covered eyes. 'Modern men want to see everything with their eyes, although they are not sufficiently qualified. Consequently, they disbelieve in the existence of the demigods or of the Supreme God. They should see through the pages of authentic scriptures and should not simply believe their unqualified eyes. Even in these days, God can also be seen by qualified eyes tinged with the ointment of love of God. (Bhagavatam 2.6.29"

And i pray to have association with the Vaishnavas, who are freely giving this ointment away to any who are willing to take.I pray that I realize the value of this ointment, and not let any drop go unused

Excerpts taken from "Simplicity in Irish Spring" by Satsvarupa dasa Goswami

an overdue apology to the ones who remove the clouds of ignorance and reveal the warmth of sunshine

Ashamed to walk in the same room as you.
ashamed... because it became strikingly apparent that the progress that i thought i had made was only a mirage.
and what i saw from you just the other day gave me a better idea of where i actually am in the 'hierarchy' of things.
polluted with the mentality that whatever you have attained, i am many times more deserving than you... because my false pride tells me your simplicity is worthless, in comparison to my ability to speak flowery words.
this, i thought, gave me the right to justify my inimical attitude towards your devotion.
and yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks, as my foolishness came to the surface and i could actually see it for what it really is.
it always made me wonder how you were able to give the greatest gift to another - how to regain the original self - and motivate them to cultivate that gift, with just a simple glance, a smile, and some kind words.
yet with my high philosophical explanations and technical detailed accounts regarding that same gift, i have failed to produce the same effect... time and time again.
the realization sunk in like poison to the ego...
and relief to the struggling soul, who is attempting to emerge out of the layers of muck and mire that cover it up... bind it so tightly...
there is a certain quality that you possess, that i will never be able to attain if i continue in this current ego stroking game...
your words sink in to the heart of the receiver and sing to the soul...
while my words go straight to the mind of the receiver and sink to the bottom of an abyss.
i lack the devotion that you have developed, thinking that functioning on the mental platform is a higher state... and my foolish criticism towards you, which has only been spoken in my thoughts, has held me back from gaining the eyes to see this.
and even though i possess a great deal more knowledge, it means nothing without an understanding of the essence of that knowledge.
The essence of that knowledge is the love that you invest in the simple gestures and attempts to give that love to others.
for so long i over looked this, not even realizing it has caused great suffering to me and all others. it is time to end this foolish game, and finally play one that everyone can win.
i offer my sincere apologies to you for all hindrances that i have caused you and i beg to attain your mercy. please teach me the way of loving service so i may come down from the mental platform and enter into the eternal abode of the heart.
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