When you drive yourself to no other option than to accept who you are..
Am I embarrassed? Like an alcoholic is afraid to admit that they are addicted? Perhaps that was a bad example... you'd probably get the wrong idea... I have a choice. Complete control over what I want to do. So that example is like comparing apples and oranges. More like in the closet. You'd understand that better wouldn't you? It is like being torn in two. We have always been told to express ourselves... So that is what I did. Dyed hair. Punk rock. And ran the highschool gauntlet everyday. That was the thrill. But something burned. I looked inward to find... Now I am afraid. Privacy = fear. Lonely. That is the problem... too scared to be ourselves. The critics talk, hugh... we're so soft and tender. Fragile. One word can send us crashing to the floor to shatter into a million pieces. It may take lifetimes to glue us back together. It may take lifetimes to build some backbone. That's what makes us so vulnerable. Easier to sink into our own pool of miseries. What will my boss think??? the neighbors??? "I can't be who I wanna be". But it can't be held back anymore. Bursting at the seams. Oh fuck it... let it out... Hare KRSNA!
Getting to the Peak
Following this spiritual path is absolutely the most painful thing that I have ever experienced. Every now and then I get a surge of bliss, a sample of the "end? product" per say, to help remind me that sticking through the rough times is well worth it. Why do I face so much pain and struggle? Think about it... for millions of lifetimes I have been conditioning my consciousness to run away from the Absolute Truth (that I am an eternal servant of God) which fulfills all desires. But for some reason or another I left the best relationship that I could ever possibly imagine (an ever increasing, blissful, eternal, and highly personal relationship with the Complete Whole, God Himself), for what? So that I can attempt to enjoy all by myself? Subjecting myself to a beginning and an end? The laws of Nature and dualism: hot and cold, good and bad, pleasure and pain... things are incomplete here - temporary. There is no question that I am enjoying - but all it really amounts to is sugar coated misery. Nothing lasts forever here in the temporary world, as much as I try to imagine that it does. When reality gives us a cold slap in the face it doesn't take much time to realize how completely miserable we really are. Coming to terms and admitting our actual position can be extremely painful. That is why it is so much easier to keep floating along, pretending like everything is A okay. Wrap ourselves so nicely in these web of illusions - so tightly... to the point of suffocation. What I once thought was my comfort, my protection, is actually the source of my misery. Now taking up this seeming impossible task of reversing all that conditioning that I submitted myself to... for a seeming eternity, and attempting to regain that lost relationship with Krishna... That's alot of work... Of course it is gonna be a struggle, of course it's gonna hurt. It's like trying to walk up a stream that is running down the side of a mountain, right after the spring weather breaks and all the snow is melting... Tenfold. Imagine trying to do that all by yourself. It's almost guaranteed failure. Stopping dead in our tracks will help. It feels great not to be subjected to being pulled by the current, But that simply isn't enough. If we are fortunate enough to run into someone who has heard the secrets of how beat the currents, from one who has succeeded in swimming upstream and made it to the top of the mountain(shook of material life and regained their eternal relationship with God) Someone who is so kind as to lend us their helping hand so that we may also get out of this ocean of miseries, we would be a fool not to take this extremely rare opportunity... It is the greatest offering that one can receive, and with the help of our guide, the only worthwhile struggle that we could ever embark upon.
So I look back on my past journal entries and I know it is me writing this stuff. I remember writing it, the agony of pulling my thoughts and emotions out of this damaged mind and sprawling them all over a piece of paper. But this distance exists. Like I am reading something that someone else wrote... and how some stuff I can barely relate to anymore. But just writing, rereading, and meditation on these words of old has some therapeutic value to it. Brings me closer to the essence of who I am. That's what this whole game is all about after all... if it isn't then I am the biggest fool that was ever granted a series of respiratory rotations.
I spend way too much time chasing the details. That can be a major obstacle. Rules can lead to self righteousness, pride and false ego... in other words - submitting oneself to a discipline without understanding the essence of, and end to, following the discipline leads to the plastic life and when that happens one can be considered no good as a stone... what happens when we realize that we are leading the plastic life? We run to the other extreme and start to lead the paper life... We aren't gonna discover ourselves in any rule, or moral code... that's for certain. But on the other hand we are gonna have just as much difficulty finding ourselves in complete and utter self indulgence... COS THAT'S NOT WHERE THE ANSWERS LIE! The rule, the moral, is part of the process... not the essence.... the rule provides us with the opportunity to find it. And the indulgence? Enough to keep us alive... anything else will just leave us confused and hankering for more.
Writing, and reflecting... that's what brings me closer to the essence. It is like a nudist colony for the soul... *Okay at least the idea is practical* Bear it all and let the insecurities slip away. So if I keep writing, bearing my mind - and stay away from the masquerade - building real, tangible relationships, built on honesty... then maybe I can remember. I am sick of painting this picture for people of who I am... give them the raw me! So much time covered up with small talk, so absorbed in this and that... we don't even take the time to build that deep relationship that everyone wants, and so few actually have, if any. I know that I say this about a zillion times but it's true... It's so much easier to drown, but that only leads to more suffering. If we have even an ounce of sanity in our heads then we would put forth some effort to change that state... get out of this whole big mess once and for all. And it is scary cos the healing process hurts even more... sometimes we have to get even MORE sick in order to heal properly. But it pays off. All one needs to do is look into their past to see that... to look at the situation that we are in with a little bit of perspective, about a fear or some sort of obstacle that one overcame. Looking back in my past, now that I am removed from so many of those situations, I can see that much of what I thought was enjoyment turned out to be the cause of my suffering. One of them happens to be how I would be jump into things, pushing myself from one extreme to the other... that can be just as much as a substitute. Paper or plastic?
- Reflecting is such a nice thing for me to do. Keeps me sane. Also this free writing thing is very beneficial... just pour it all out on paper. Fuck what anybody has to say, smash those eggshells and let the yolk fly all over the freaking place). Why it is so nice is that it seems like anything that I say (in person, meaning not over the internet or letter form - which I consider a highly impersonal form of communication, but extremely beneficial for a putz like me) in all sincerity if first of all, a struggle to tear out of my mind, and force out of my mouth. And secondly, people rip it apart like rabid dogs. I suppose that the two are dependent on eachother and if the latter didn't exist, then there would be no problem with the former, but nonetheless, that is the current state of affairs... It isn't doubtful that others suffer from this very same disposition, which explains why everyone runs around talking about the latest nonsense all day. I wish that I wasn't so inflicted with this disease...
- How funny: Generally people think one of two things... they either blame all their problems on God, reducing Him to imperfection and wondering why he would create so much suffering, Or they believe that God is perfect, but left us to fend for ourselves... no matter so many people are atheist... Doesn't it ever occur to you that the reason that you are here is because YOU CHOSE to be the cause of your misery? "Oh how could that be? We are perfect little angels..." God didn't have anything to do with it... all he does is give you what you want. I hear it all day long. "I have the right to choose, I have the right to do whatever I want." You choose to complain about what you chose, then blame it all on God for fulfilling your wish, like it is His fault. Maybe I'm missing a step or two here, something that I don't see... but it seems like faulty logic on our part. See? If it's all up to us, and we keep choosing to reject God, who gives us all facilities to do what we will, then what right do we have to bitch about when He gives us what we want? We really do get what we ask for... "I Dream of Genie" had it right. Except for one part.... in reality, actions speak much louder than words. Barking falls on silent ears, so we better watch what we are speaking. Okay... enough for today... 4:23 p.m
Dispute all our differences underlies a deep bond between us that cannot be explained by words and transcends all logic and reason. It remains despite the constant churning, the ups and downs of this crazy world, the ocean of relativity. Conflicts arise... they always do... and when it seems like all hope is lost, that bond remains - unflinching, absolute - refusing to let us turn on one another. It is not by chance that our paths have crossed on our search to find a method to this madness. Each one of you is special, unique, and you have so a treasure chest of lessons to teach me... we have so much to share. And I see how beautiful each and every one of you are, how tight this bond is, when you open up and we share eachothers hearts... this is for the ones that I love... this is for the ones who care...
Scrape your knee... get back up again.
I awaken to the sound of an electronic buzz from the alarm clock across the room, step away from the activities of the subtle dream state and reenter the awareness of gross reality, An all too familiar occasion arises. That is the struggle between the will of the mind to remember the position of the original self, as an eternal soul, fully surrendered in service to the Absolute Whole, and the self imposed demand of that same wills twisted desire to enjoy apart from the Absolute. As these two vast armies amass to do battle on the field of thought, deep within I cry and humbly pray that Srimati Bhakti devi, the exalted servant of Krsnas eternal consort, Srimati Radharani, bestow Her causeless mercy upon this helpless soul. I beg for Her blessings in hopes that the dirt which clouds my heart due to contact with the material nature, and inhibits me from understanding the intimate pastimes of the Lord, kindly be removed so that I may discern the difference between Truth and illusion. I plead for her to shower me with Her mercy so that I may end the internal struggle between the mind and this senses, and remain fixed in transcendence. But until then I remain flickering in devotion like a candle the seed of deceit so deeply implanted, ready to strike at any moment, all I can do is plead with the mind. You can be my greatest asset or my worst enemy, I beg, I have spent many lifetimes trying to enjoy this phenomenal world to no avail, now please join me in my quest to regain our lost relationship with the Supreme Lord, Sri Krsna. Yet even after all of this I fall victim to my own deceit illusion gains control and the mind succumbs to the desires of the senses.Guilt settles in. Transforms to discouragement. Any hopes of attaining Krsna Consciousness seems to vanish. All I have left are my tears but here in my hands lay the answers:
Having awakened faith in the narration's of my glories, being
disgusted with all material activities, knowing that all sense
gratification leads to misery, but still being unable to renounce
all sense enjoyment, My devotee should remain happy and
worship Me with great faith and conviction. Even though he
is sometimes engaged in sense enjoyment, My devotee knows
that all sense gratification leads to a miserable result, and he
simply repents such activities. (SB 11.20.27-28)
Fall, scrape your knee, use that experience to avoid it from happening again, knowing what type of reactions it brings. Guilt and discouragement stem from the same misidentification that we are this gross body and nothing more, thus in order to attain fixed remembrance of Krsna, we must even look past our own shortcomings of failing to follow our own principles, be honest with ourselves, and work towards overcoming them You have Krsnas encouragement what more do we need?
How can you be so self-righteous about something as relative as matter??? It is in constant change and any truth that is derived from the information that you amass in this insignificant amount of time may only be applicable to that particular situation. In other words, how can you find an absolute, something solid… something eternal - that which cannot be destroyed, when all the evidence that you have is from temporary, imperfect sources and is subjected to the dictates of time place and circumstance? Even the process by which you gather the information is faulty (through sense perception), so how can I put faith in your words? You study bones and rocks to gather information about the origins of human civilization, and use instruments ranging from telescopes to microscopes in hopes of someday uncovering “the mystery of life”. But what seems you accept as solid fact, even amongst your own practitioners and colleges, has a cloud of doubt over it. The “facts”, as you know them, seem to constantly be changing with every new “discovery”. What does this tell us? That your whole foundation, everything you base your evidence on (the temporary, material world), is just as shaky as the blind sentimentalist, practitioner of religious faith, thus giving you no authority to state what is real or what is illusion. Acceptance without inquiry gets us nowhere, while the flipped of the coin, mental speculation, takes us down the same very same path, only in a much different way. The scientific process definitely does work, that can be accepted, but the difference between following the descending process of information (knowledge which has been given by the Absolute Truth, and handed down for millennia from teacher to student in an unbroken chain), as opposed to the ascending process of mental speculation, is that one need not wonder about what is truth, but by inquiring from a realized practitioner of the descending process, and practically applying their instructions, one can actually experience the Absolute Truth in this lifetime.
In the words of Srila Prabhupada:
“But those so-called scientists and philosophers who do not follow this system of descending knowledge, who do not accept knowledge thus received from higher authorities - they can't have any perfect knowledge, no matter what research work they carry out with their blunt senses. So whatever they say, we take it as imperfect.
“Our method is different from theirs. They are searching after dead bones, and we are searching after living brains. This point should be stressed. They are dealing with dead bones, and we are dealing with living brains. So which should be considered better?”
Beyond Illusion and Doubt (pg. 114)